Dropped my mom off at the airport and I cried so fucking hard. I still cant stop crying. One month without her is going to drive me insane. I’m trying to be strong for my siblings. Shes the most perfect and beautiful mother anymore can ask for. Happy mothers day.
I feel like fucking shit. I fail at everything. Every fucking thing. This is one of the lowest points in my life.
I always believe stuff my friends tell me because I think that they wouldn’t lie to me or hurt me but I guess not
I’m sitting at a cafe shop and I murdered a bug on the table (moment of silence for da bug) and its blood is on the table. I feel bad for the person sitting at the table after me
Have you ever been in a situation where one of your closest friends does or says something and you begin to question everything else they’ve ever done or said, and its not in a good way either.
These past few days really got me thinking and I realized I don’t have a best friend. I have one person in my life that I tell everything to and thats my coworker. She genuinely cares about me and she just listens to me bitch about my life for hours at work. Sometimes I’m just slow and it takes me a while to realize things. I should probably work on that. Being alone is suiting me perfectly fine right now.
i don’t know where to start really. i’m not good with words but i’ll try. i’m tired, angry, frustrated, stressed, sad, the list goes on. i try so hard to stay positive. i know shit comes and goes. the pain and stress doesn’t last long but it also doesn’t stay away for long. i’m constantly worried about stuff that may or may not ever happen. i wake up everyday to the same routine and try to make it fun. lately even work hasn’t been making me happy. work is my escape and frankly i can’t stand being there right now. i don’t know why. i work at a gym and i really want to start getting into shape so i can have a nice body and maybe boost my non existent self-esteem. i give up with friends. i don’t care for anyone because i know they don’t give a fuck either. i try to be a good friend but its me that’s fucked in the end. i envy my friend that doesn’t hang out with anyone and chooses to just focus on his studies. i think that’s what i’m going to do. i’m sure i’ll get lonely but i’m used to it. i’m used to every shitty thing. lately everything has been pissing me off. everything people say annoys me. i’ve been in bed all weekend falling in and out of sleep. but it’s not deep sleep. i can’t get a full night of sleep for the life of me. i don’t have time to take drugs to knock me out because i have to be up early in the morning. i feel like i’m under pressure. i’m not doing good in school. i’m failing school actually and it makes me even more mad and frustrated because this isn’t supposed to happen. i constantly feel ugly. well i am ugly. i don’t believe it when people tell me i’m pretty or beautiful. i think it’s because they feel bad for me or because it’s out of pity. i could wear make up and try to look decent but i’d rather find someone that finds me somewhat attractive with little make up on or nothing at all on. i hear guys say they like girls that look natural but we all know that’s the biggest bullshit. i wish i could get a guy to like me or something. just someone to hang out with or cuddle with and that lovey dovey shit. idc which girl says she doesn’t want a boyfriend she’s lying. i would love to get a boyfriend. i’m just really lonely. i want a boy to take care of. to play with his hair, give back massages to, to tell everything to. but of course i wont have that soon or maybe ever. my mom wants to leave to iraq for a month. almost all major cities in iraq were bombed today. i’m terrified of her leaving. i’m crying as i type this. the thought of her leaving makes me cry. i can’t live a day without my mom. i’m not afraid of anything when it comes to death or life except living without my mom. all i ask from god if there is one is that he takes my life before my moms. i want to make her happy before i die. i want her to have everything shes ever wanted. she deserves the world. i will give it all to her before i’m gone. honestly one of the reasons if not the only reason i don’t bother with school is because i don’t plan to live much longer so why waste my time? i don’t know why i’m so emotional. i don’t know if its because i’m on my period, i just finished my book series that made me cry so fucking hard, or because i’m under pressure because finals are around the corner. i’m pretty sure its a combination of the 3. ghosts that we knew by mumford and sons is definitely not helping my mood either but they’re just perfect. their music makes me happy in a way even though its so sad. i don’t know what i’m going to do with my life soon. if you read this, thanks i guess.